Showing posts with label Ashley Brock. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Ashley Brock. Show all posts

December 7, 2009

The Story of Trudy Steuernagel and Her Death at the Hand of Her Son Sky Walker, Who Loved Her

Many thanks to Joanna Conners for her thoughtful and heart wrenching telling of the Sky Walker story. She has answered many pressing questions that our community had about the death of his mother Trudy Steuernagel at his hand and what has happened to him since.

At hearing bits and pieces about his treatment, we have been angry at what seemed to be callous treatment at the hands of authorities, but seems that they were doing the best they could given the circumstances and the limited options for children like Sky. It highlights the question, if a proper placement for Sky, which was the daily priority of the police department for the two months he was with them, could not be found, with all the resources at their disposal, what choices do families with children like Sky have now?

And what will it look like when the Autism Tsunami hits? Sky was born in 1990, a year or so before the swell began.

From the descriptions of his food obsessions and Sky's diet, MacDonalds and ice cream every night, goldfish crackers to sooth his aggression, it is clear that he was not on any biomed protocol, and probably needed to be. (Chandler's one and only aggressive outburst was when he was 2 and we had put him back on gluten for a month to see if he could handle it... no dice. He viciously bit another child. None what so ever in the five years since then.) When doctors like the much derided Max Wiznitzer, who was interviewed in this article, poo poo dietary intervention for lack of large epidemiological studies as proof of efficacy, does he even realize that he is likely channeling children into a life of violence and disconnection from the world like Sky Walker? Does his ego even let him entertain the idea that reams of documentation on GI disorders in children with autistic symptoms and clinical examples of behavioral improvements on dietary intervention might make it a really, really bad idea to feed crap to violent children like Sky? Doesn't seem to be the case.

I am reposting the article in its entirety, to ensure that it does not drop off the web. This is an article that every one of us needs to read. It is a very hard read, and I had to take several cry breaks to get through it, so be forewarned. But read it.

And if anyone ever, ever says to me that I need to look at autism as a blessing, or focus on the bright side, or that medical treatment for some strange reason means I don't accept or love my child for who he is, I will simply refer them to this post.

For Ashley Brock, Elias Tembennis, Sky Walker and his loving and dedicated mother, Trudy Steuernagel, autism was a deadly disease. And now as well for James Delorey. Sky clearly loved his mother, and still does, yet his love still could not stop him from killing her.

And distressingly, Trudy saw her own murder likely coming, and wrote to defend her son in case it happened.

Kent State professor Trudy Steuernagel's fierce protection of her autistic son, Sky Walker, costs her life: Sheltering Sky
By Joanna Connors, The Plain Dealer
December 06, 2009, 8:42AM

"To Whom it May Concern: If this letter has been opened and is being read, it is because I have been seriously injured or killed by my son, Sky Walker."

No one knows for sure when Trudy Steuernagel wrote that letter.

She read it to her ex-husband, Scott Walker, in the spring of 2008, when their autistic son, Sky, had grown so violent she sometimes had to barricade herself in a closet.

By then, Trudy's life had begun to feel a lot like that closet. Small. Dark. Isolated. Her ex-husband was gone, living in Wisconsin with his new wife and stepson. Many of her friends were gone, too, lost to the demands she faced caring for Sky.

Sky remained. But in a way, Sky was gone, too. Over the years, he had slipped away from her, retreating into the shadows of autism. The smart little boy who stole hearts with his smiles and hugs had disappeared. Left behind was a 200-pound teenager who overwhelmed her with his constant needs and his unpredictable, terrible anger.

Trudy spent her days teaching political science at Kent State University, where she was a popular professor. She went home to Sky and long evenings of his ever more rigid routines, girding herself for his next meltdown, and hoping the next medication would bring Sky back.

That spring, as Sky's violence increased, Trudy told Scott she had locked the letter in her home safe, in case the worst happened. Less than a year later, it did.

On Jan. 29, 2009, sheriff's deputies found Trudy on the floor of her kitchen, unconscious and struggling to breathe. They found Sky in the basement, blood on his pajamas and feet.

The next day, Trudy's brother, Bill Steuernagel, found the safe in Trudy's closet. The letter, a single folded page, loose in the pile of papers inside, would have been easy to overlook. Trudy's words were not. Shot through with sorrow and regret, they bore witness to her fierce love for her child.

Trudy Steuernagel died eight days after the beating, at age 60.

Sky, legally an adult at 18 but functionally a child, was charged with her murder and held at Portage County Jail while lawyers, social service agencies and the court tried to figure out what to do with him.

As the months went on, the story of the profoundly disabled son who unintentionally killed his mother unfolded like a Greek tragedy. Sky's life and Trudy's death exposed some of the darkest mysteries of autism - from the puzzle of why a smart, capable woman sacrificed her own safety to keep her son at home to the larger legal and social issues presented by the perplexing, often hidden strain of violence in a neurological disorder that, more than 60 years after it was first described, continues to confound scientists.



"The nursery is finally finished. Today, Nov. 9, 1990, was supposed to be your birthday. Where are you, Sky Abbott Walker? About your name. We both wanted a gender neutral name. Pater loves all things to do with flying and I like nature names. I hope you like it, Sky." - Trudy Steuernagel, in Sky Walker's Baby Book

Sky Abbott Walker was born Nov. 15, 1990. Trudy was 42 and smitten. She had been married just a year to Scott Walker, a former student of hers who was nine years younger.

Scott remembers Trudy showing off her smiling, blue-eyed boy, who flirted with strangers and hit developmental marks ahead of the curve. He walked at 9 months, and at 10 months he spoke individual words, knew the alphabet and could read letters. Before his first birthday, he learned numbers and could add, subtract and count. But then he stopped. At 18 months, he still did not put two words together, and by 24 months, he had stopped acquiring new words. When a doctor told Trudy and Scott that their son might have autism, they disagreed. Didn't autism mean a lack of emotion and a resistance to touching? That was not Sky.

"He loved to hug not only his mom and me but his toddler friends and teachers," Scott Walker remembers. "So we said, 'There's no failure to form attachments, he's doing well.'"

By the time he was 3, they stopped fighting the diagnosis. Sky was still not speaking in phrases or sentences, and he was losing words at a steady pace. His early strides with reading letters and numbers turned out to be hyperlexia -- a red flag for autism.

"Except for the speech delay, you would never have suspected he had autism," Scott says. "It was easier to explain his poor performance on tests by saying he was autistic. We felt he was clearly intelligent. He just had no interest in demonstrating for adults what he knew or could do."

If Trudy grieved or felt frightened for Sky, she did not show it. The Internet was still primitive at the time, but she joined autism mailing lists and searched for resources and services.

She also became more protective. After the diagnosis, Scott noticed that Trudy turned inward with Sky; where she once carried him facing out to the wide world, she now held him facing her heart.

Scott and Trudy enrolled him in Kent's special-needs preschool when he turned 4. At the end of that year, his teacher reported that he showed many of the signs of autism: His play was solitary, his speech delayed, and he avoided eye contact. She also noted that he had a problem with aggression but was learning to handle his frustration. Trudy and Scott worried anew. Was aggression another symptom of autism? Or was it just a symptom of childhood? Why was the sweet boy who once hugged everyone now hitting?

Frustration and aggression

Information on rates of aggressive behavior in people with autism is scarce and inconclusive. A roundup of autism research published last month in the British medical journal The Lancet cited a 2008 study that found "disruptive, irritable or aggressive behavior" in 8 percent to 32 percent of children with autism. It did not explain the wide statistical spread, nor did it offer comparison figures for children without autism.

Doctors and teachers in Cleveland who deal with autism begin discussions of aggression with a caveat: Autism does not automatically lead to aggression. No one wants autistic people to suffer the sort of horror-movie stigma that has plagued the mentally ill for so long. But they do not deny the aggressive tendency exists.

"Aggression has always been part of autism," said Leslie Sinclair, the head of the Cleveland Clinic's Lerner School for Autism. "Not in all [autistic] children, of course."

Dr. Max Wiznitzer, a pediatric neurologist and director of the Rainbow Autism Center at University Hospitals, says there are many reasons for the aggression.

"They might also have anxiety disorders, attention deficit hyperactive disorder, mood disorders, cognitive impairment," he says.

Sinclair and others return inexorably to the frustrations that emerge not just from the struggle to speak, but also from overwhelming sensory stimulation and the need to adhere to set rituals and routines. For some children with autism, even a tiny deviation can lead to a violent episode.

"It is never malicious," she says.

Scott Walker tells this story about Sky to describe his frustrations. He was 5 or 6 and playing alone, in another room, when Trudy and Scott heard a big bang, like something had fallen or broken. They found Sky sobbing uncontrollably.

"What happened, Sky?" They asked. "What's wrong?"

Sky sobbed and heaved, struggling to speak. Finally he managed to say:

"I. Don't. Have. Words."

They never did figure out what had made the noise.

Behavior becomes disruptive

As Sky made his way through the elementary years, Trudy and Scott battled the Kent public school system to get the services he needed and to keep him in mainstream classes, where they felt he did better academically and socially. But to remain there, he required a full-time aide.

"It was adversarial," Scott says. "They were professionals. But they were also fully cognizant that we were asking them to dig deep in their budget for our son. There was always a sense of, 'Gosh, what if there were 10 other autistic kids wanting these services, too?'"

Soon enough there were, and more. In 1994-95, just after Sky was diagnosed, Ohio reported fewer than 100 cases of autism out of almost 1.8 million students. Last year, Ohio reported 12,640 cases out of 1.9 million students.

The Kent City Schools superintendent, Joseph Giancola, declined to talk about Sky, citing confidentiality laws. But voluminous school records in the Portage County prosecutor's files include positive reports from elementary school, when he spent part of the day mainstreamed with an aide.
Around the Web

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention National Center on Birth Defects and Developmental Disabilities

Autism Society of America,

Autism Society of Ohio,

Cure Autism Now,

National Institute of Child Health & Human Development

Cleveland Clinic Center for Autism,

University Hospitals Autism Center,

In first grade, his teachers wrote: "Sky is very sweet and has a nice sense of humor." In third grade, his special-education teachers wrote: "What a joy it has been to be Sky's teachers for 3 wonderful years!"

As he grew older, and his life at home changed, behavior problems entered the picture.

A move from mainstream

Trudy and Scott separated when Sky was 9. Scott did not want to talk about the reasons for the separation, but he did say Sky was not one of them. "I'm sure our disagreements over him were an added stress, though," he says.

That year, Scott moved to Cleveland to start medical school at Case Western Reserve University. He says he saw Sky three times a week, at home in Kent and when Trudy brought him to Cleveland.

He knew Sky missed him. "To the extent that Sky could choose things to talk about, what he would talk about was the next time he would see me," Scott says.

When Sky was 10, a teacher's assessment found him "severely autistic." He avoided eye contact, followed ritualistic patterns, spoke in stressful situations with meaningless one- or two-word phrases ("tater tots," "top grunge"), splayed his hands close to his face and rocked with exaggerated rhythms.

He also angered easily. "When forced to look or interact, [he] may become agitated, cry or have a temper tantrum," the teacher wrote. "Reaction to pain such as a fall or bump of elbow is extreme anger. Reaction to change [in routine] can be extreme with excessive tantrums."

Sky had tantrums with his parents, too. "They were very few in number, but they were very disruptive and certainly caught our attention," Scott says. "Because he was smaller, we weren't afraid of escalation. We used some physical restraint until we were at a safe place."

Puberty often brings a spike in aggression, particularly with boys, who account for three out of four autism diagnoses. Sky was no different. At the beginning of seventh grade, when he was 13, the school removed him from mainstream classes.

"Sky has continued to make progress in the academic realm," his teacher reported, "but has started to have difficulty with appropriate school behavior."

In October of 2003, his aggression became such a problem that the school decided to send him home two hours early every day. Trudy went on part-time leave from KSU; Sky did not return to school full time until the middle of April.

That school year, Irene Barnett, one of Trudy's closest friends, found out that Sky was hurting his mother.

"Trudy forbade me to say anything," Barnett says. "I knew that if I had not respected her wishes, that would have been the end of our friendship. Her loyalty was 100 percent to Sky."

Trudy told Barnett that Sky was getting good medical care and his doctor was trying new psychoactive medications. Using medication to control aggression in autistic patients is a common practice, says Sinclair of the Cleveland Clinic's autism school.

"Some of our kids can be very obsessive compulsive, which is evidenced in rigid adherence to routines," she says. "And [if] you interrupt that, they can become aggressive. If we can target that behavior with a particular medication that takes the edge off the need to fulfill these routines, then aggression comes down."

Health privacy laws prevent authorities from saying which drugs were ordered for Sky, but photographs in the sheriff's investigative files show medicine cabinets and kitchen shelves in the home laden with bottles of prescription antidepressants, anti-anxiety drugs and tranquilizers.

"Trudy believed that eventually they would get the right cocktail, and his hormones would stop surging, and it would take care of the aggression," Barnett says. "She did not want him in any institution. She said there was a lot of abuse in institutions, and because Sky was not verbal he could be easily victimized."

At about this time, Scott remembers, he began urging Trudy to consider a residential placement. "That was a real conversation stopper," he says.

Experience led to apprehension

Bill Steuernagel thinks Trudy formed her negative view of institutions working at Ebensburg State School and Hospital in Pennsylvania, an institution for children then diagnosed as "hyperactive mentally retarded [and] trainable." Their father, William Steuernagel, was an administrator, and all three of his children - Marybeth, Trudy and Bill - had summer jobs there as teenagers in the 1960s.

"We took care of the patients, took them out for walks, to the pool," says Bill. "A lot of them were drugged. They were considered mentally retarded, but I'm sure some of those kids were autistic."

Autism was first recognized as a distinct disorder in 1943, but it took decades to emerge as a standard diagnosis. It did not enter the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, the standard for psychiatric diagnosis in America, until 1980.

"Back then, if you had a child and you couldn't take care of him, you'd put him in a state home," Bill says, referring to the 1960s and Ebensburg. "My sister cringed at that."
Disney.jpgTrudy Steuernagel wrote about her life with her autistic son, Sky Walker, in several essays and letters. The audio excerpts here were narrated by Plain Dealer Features Editor Debbie Van Tassell.

AUDIO

trudy.mp3">

The truth comes out

In 2004, Scott Walker moved to a small town in Wisconsin for his residency in family medicine. Sky was 14. Two years later, Scott and Trudy divorced.

They maintained joint custody; Sky spent five weeks every summer with Scott and visited some weekends. The rest of the year, Trudy was alone with Sky.

"Trudy was now a single parent of a child with significant needs," Barnett says. "But she was not a complainer. She always used to say, 'You know, you deal with it.'"

Trudy dealt with it by complying with Sky's elaborate system of rituals, which ruled their days from the time she woke up until Sky went to bed. Trudy usually slept for about four hours, then got up to exercise. Sky woke, took the sheets and blankets off both their beds, piled them on the floor, and crawled in to sleep.

He always dressed in the same outfit: blue T-shirt, dark blue shorts, sneakers. Trudy ordered them in multiples from Lands' End. The outfit made him look like a 6-year-old with a man's body, a visual metaphor for the childish tantrums that turned dangerous when he grew to over 6 feet tall and 200 pounds.

He loved children's food, too. After school, they always drove 20 miles to the same McDonald's, where Sky ordered a Happy Meal of Chicken McNuggets and fries, followed by a vanilla ice cream cone. Then they crossed the street to Arby's where he ate another meal of chicken and fries. When they got home, he watched "The Price Is Right" over and over again.

Every night, he tore paper into confetti and scattered it around the house. Before he went to bed, he got his medicine and an M&M ice cream cone.

He said certain phrases when he felt agitated, like "Ride the roller coaster" and "Wheels on the bus." Trudy responded by sending him to his safe room in the basement, a small room crammed with unused games, a foosball table and Trudy's exercise bike and mini-trampoline. In the middle of the clutter, Sky would lie on his mattress and calm himself with his comfort foods, barbecue potato chips and Goldfish crackers.

If Trudy caught the signs too late and the agitation escalated, she calmed him with a warm bath and his favorite snack food. When the calming rituals did not work, Sky lost control and sometimes attacked her.

Barnett thinks she was one of the few people who knew just how bad Sky's aggression was. Trudy's friends did not know each other well, and she parceled out her disclosures. A few friends and family members saw the bruises and black eyes, but Trudy always had an explanation. "I hit my head swimming," she told Bill once.

In the spring of 2008, though, Sky's attacks grew much worse, and Trudy decided to reveal - in part - what was going on. She surprised everyone with the way she did it: In a public essay for the student newspaper, The Kent Stater.

In "Just a Conversation," published March 27, 2008, she wrote: "Life with Sky these past few years has been very isolating for the two of us. We can't go out and do the things we used to like to do because Sky gets so overwhelmed. Much of the time, we're here in the house. ... My life was dominated by trying to teach my classes, trying to run a household, trying to fit everything into the few hours he was at school. On bad days, those few hours could turn into a few minutes. I couldn't be a friend to anyone because I physically and emotionally could not be there for them. I had no patience with good and decent colleagues who told me how busy they were. Busy? Try spending an evening sitting in a closet with your back to the door, trying to hold it shut while your child kicks it in."

Her colleagues were stunned. "We had no idea," said Steve Hook, the department chair.

Molly Merriman, a KSU faculty member, tried to convince Trudy she was living with domestic violence, one of Merriman's academic interests. But Trudy still believed Sky would change.

Later that spring of 2008, Sky went into a steep spiral. He had been in special-education classes for five years, and at 16 had begun community work-experience classes, mostly doing custodial work. He especially liked sweeping.

Even with that outlet, his tantrums and violent episodes became more frequent and intense. Records show teachers and aides had to apply physical restraint seven times in April and May, and called Trudy to take Sky home. They requested that she never travel more than 20 minutes away when he was at school.

On May 2, 2008, Sky's violence was bad enough for the school to call the police and EMS. At one point, a Kent police officer reached for his Taser. Sky's aide and Trudy both rushed to stop him. Later, the officer saw Sky hit Trudy in the head from the back seat of her car.

"She was reluctant to admit there are outbursts at home in which she is assaulted, but made reference to a 'safe room' she has in their home," he reported.

The school called Trudy for meeting to discuss an intervention plan. Afterward, she wrote a two-page letter that praised Sky's teacher but objected to much of what the school administrators said. "On many occasions the school's solution when Sky was in meltdown was to call me to transport him home," she wrote. "I have always responded and done so, even while making the argument that this was reinforcing Sky's behavior and getting him what he wanted."

To go home with Momma.

Mother rejects hospitalization

Every summer, when Sky's school was out, Scott took Sky for five weeks while Trudy taught. Their visits always started with a week at Disney World, Sky's favorite place.

In June 2008, Scott took his new wife and his stepson along. Despite this disruption of his routine, Sky did well, Scott says. He liked his stepbrother, who was 10, and enjoyed the long days at the park and long nights at the fireworks. He had no episodes the whole week. Until the final night.

Sky did not want to leave the next morning and became enraged. Scott sent his wife and son from the room to call hotel security. Sky started breaking furniture and mirrors, and then turned on Scott. "It was the first time I got beat up by him," Scott says. "We were all scared."

They ended up at an emergency room, where a dose of the sedative Ativan subdued Sky. The next morning, armed with more Ativan, Scott got on a plane with his son and brought him to University Hospitals' autism unit. He asked them to find a residential placement for Sky. They came up with a facility in the Cleveland area, Scott says, where they had experience dealing with autistic adults with aggression.

"But his mother did not hold the same view as I did," Scott says. "She came and took him out of the hospital, and it didn't happen. She was angry, but that was nothing new."

Scott went back to Wisconsin without Sky. Trudy's brother, Bill, drove up from his home in North Carolina to help with Sky for the remaining three weeks of Scott's custody.

Fear and denial

Sky's senior year started with seven official reports of aggressive episodes and use of physical restraints and police calls. His food obsession, a common factor in autism, had gone out of control.

Trudy told Barnett that she hid food from Sky in the garage. On Thanksgiving Day, Bill heard fear in Trudy's voice for the first time. She told him she had to hide in a closet from Sky, which was news to Bill. He asked her if she was fearful. "I can handle it,"
she said.

But when Christmas approached, Bill sensed she needed help and came to visit. He took Sky to the movies a couple of times and to see the fountain at Tower City. Sky was in great spirits - until Christmas Day.

Trudy gave him an iPod and a digital camera. Bill gave him "The Price Is Right" game for his Wii. It was all too much stimulation and change from his daily routine. "Throughout the day, he had some meltdowns," Bill says.

After dinner, even though it felt awkward to bring it up and Trudy might get angry, Bill again asked about the violence. "Are you safe?" he asked.

"Yes, it's fine," she said, and changed the subject.
sheriffjail.jpgLisa DeJong, The Plain DealerPortage County Sheriff David Doak did not think Sky Walker would be safe with the general population in the county jail, so he kept the autistic teenager in this booking cell for the two months he was incarcerated. He brought in a TV so Sky could watch The Price Is Right, and allowed his family to visit him in the booking area.

A son's disability, a mother's death

Trudy did not make it through the first month of the new year.

On Jan. 29, 2009, just before noon, a KSU administrator called the sheriff's office to report that Trudy did not show up for work. It was the first time in 33 years that she had missed a class without calling. That morning, she missed two. She did not answer her phone.

A dispatcher sent three deputies to Trudy's house in Kent. Inside, they found her on the kitchen floor, her face battered and covered with dried blood, her eyes swollen shut. Her head rested in fresh blood. Blood tracks led from her body toward the basement, where they found Sky huddled on a mattress.

As deputies handcuffed Sky, he screamed and thrashed so hard they had to subdue him with pepper spray. Minutes later, he reared back and kicked a deputy in the head, hard. The other deputies pushed him to the floor and bound his ankles and wrists together behind his back.

"Boo-boo," he said, when a detective asked him what happened to his mother. "Band-Aid." "Tummy hurt." Then he sprayed the detective with spit.

Emergency workers took Trudy, still unconscious, to Akron City Hospital. She had massive trauma to her head, broken ribs, a collapsed lung, a damaged eye socket, and bite marks on her face, arms and upper legs.

The deputies took Sky to Portage County Jail, where they locked him in a suicide-watch cell. They wrestled him into orange prisoner's clothes; he tore them off. They tried again; he tore them off again. They gave him a blanket. Sitting in his cell naked, with the blanket around his shoulders like a superhero cape, Sky screamed, a high-pitched wail that sounded like keening grief.

"Hurt Momma," he said. "Sad."

David Doak had been sheriff for less than a month when Sky landed in his jail. That evening, when Sky had calmed down, Doak went to see him. He was asking Sky questions through the food slot when Sky suddenly reached through the small opening, grabbed Doak's trousers and pulled.

"He put me off balance, almost off my feet," Doak says. "I mean, he was big, and he was really strong. When his adrenaline is running, he's a pretty tough guy."

Doak, a man with the laid-back demeanor of a pilot flying through turbulence, had never dealt with a prisoner like Sky before. He'd seen plenty of wild people during his career in law enforcement, people on alcohol and drugs - or, far worse, and increasingly common in police work, mentally ill people who had gone off the medications that kept them stable.

But Sky was different. Doak didn't know much about autism, but he could see that Sky Walker would be a high-maintenance prisoner. He hoped Sky would not be in the Portage County jail very long.

That afternoon Doak's deputies contacted Trudy's family, who drove to Ohio right away. It took longer to find a number for Scott Walker in Wisconsin. They reached him that night.

"I was horrified," Scott says. He couldn't believe Sky was being held in a jail cell. "Of course, my response was to try to find some way to get him alternatively placed pending arrangements for trial."

Scott and Trudy's family had not spoken after the couple divorced, though they had been on good terms when Sky was a child. After the deputy called, Scott exchanged text messages with Trudy's niece, but says he did not speak with any of the family or feel welcome to come to Ohio. He did not visit Sky during the two months he was in the county jail.

"The reason I didn't come out is, one, there was nothing I could do, and I wasn't even going to be allowed to see Sky at that point," he says. "Trudy was in intensive care, and there were a number of her friends and colleagues there with her. And I had responsibilities here."

Attention on a dark secret

Trudy Steuernagel died without regaining consciousness. Her Feb. 13 memorial service at KSU drew hundreds of mourners.

Thousands more read of the tragedy on autism Web sites and blogs, in newspapers and in the pages of People magazine. Trudy's death focused national attention on what her brother, Bill Steuernagel, calls the dark secret of autism: the violence that sometimes emerges with puberty, especially in boys.

Bill wondered why he had not heard much about aggression in autism before Trudy's death. Then he decided the autism community feared stigmatizing the disorder. In some ways, he understood.

But good intentions can have unintended consequences, and in this case the public silence had a tragic one: Many parents who endure violent outbursts from their autistic children feel very much alone.

Trudy's death spurred some to break their silence. Ann Bauer, known for her writing on autism, described the horrific violence her once-sweet son unleashed on her and others in an online essay titled "The Monster Inside My Son." On news Web sites, including The Plain Dealer's, stories about Sky and Trudy brought responses from parents who said they feared the same thing could happen to them.

"My son is 22 and has autism, mental retardation and is non-verbal," wrote one mother. "He has gotten quite violent with me in the past, severely and repeatedly slamming my head into the floor or head butting me until I was able to escape. I have been lucky and I know it. He doesn't mean to hurt me and he attacks without warnings. I am currently looking into residential placement for my son, but it is a heart-wrenching decision."

A case of murder

Two weeks after Trudy died, a Portage County grand jury indicted Sky on two counts of murder. Trudy's family hired Ravenna attorney Errol Can and also brought in Gian De Caris and Mark Stanton, Cleveland defense lawyers who specialize in mental health cases.

De Caris had never had an autistic client and wasn't sure what to expect. "After five minutes, it was clear that he was on the severe end of the spectrum and had no idea what was going on," De Caris says.

The prosecutor's office also recognized this, but an unnatural death had occurred and the law required certain steps.

First, a psychologist had to evaluate Sky to determine competency. Could he understand his legal situation and assist his lawyers in his own defense? His first court appearance, via video from the jail, offered a preliminary answer. Sky, upset by the unfamiliar proceeding, started flailing and spitting, until deputies strapped him into a restraint chair and put a spit mask over his head.

The photo in the next day's local newspaper made Sky look like Hannibal Lecter in "The Silence of the Lambs." It brought a new wave of national media and Internet attention. On autism Web sites, writers repeated the same outraged questions. Why did a low-functioning autistic boy have to go through the legal process when he clearly had no idea what he had done? And why was Sheriff Doak holding him in a jail cell?

Doak had the same concerns, but there was nowhere else for Sky to go at that point. "We knew he didn't belong in a jail cell more than anybody," he says.

For the two months Sky remained in the jail, Doak kept him in a cell in the booking area because he didn't think Sky would be safe with the general population. "They wouldn't be too happy with the screaming and spitting," Doak says. "Sky wasn't a bad kid. I liked him. But he was a handful."

Sky's cell was the size of a small office cubicle, with half the space taken up by a toilet. To help keep him calm, Doak and his staff bent many rules. They allowed family to visit Sky outside the normal visitation area and times. They let Sky wear his usual outfit of blue shorts and T-shirts, and parked a TV outside his cell so he could watch DVDs of "The Price Is Right."

They put him on a tight routine to help him feel secure, and used picture cards to show him his schedule. When he grew agitated, they calmed him with barbecue chips and Ativan. They continued his other prescribed medications.

Doak and his staff worked with Bill Steuernagel, who took on the parental role in Scott's absence. Bill brought Sky McDonald's chicken and fries almost every day, and gave the sheriff two lists Trudy had written to explain Sky's rote phrases. She called it "Sky-speak."

"If Sky says the following," she wrote, "it means he is unhappy: Dairy Queen; Ride the Roller Coaster; 'Dr. Seuss's ABC'; DVD on, 'Cat in the Hat' on."

A second list meant he was happy: "Trolley school bus; Short neck giraffe; Sixteen J's; Four whammies, Eric."

At the bottom of the list, Bill added: "If he is unhappy, avoid eye contact and speaking to him. If communication is necessary, speak softly."

The corrections officers in the booking area began to develop a relationship with Sky. Sometimes, though, their precautions failed. The prosecutor's investigative file contains several reports detailing Sky's outbursts. "Sky would try at times to kick or strike officers while taking a shower," one reads. "Sky verbalized, 'No guts, no glory,' [and] spit a few times while [the] officer protected himself with a riot shield. Sky kept yelling and kicking."

Once, he attacked Bill when he took him to the shower and missed several signals that Sky was agitated. "It was the first time I had seen the violence," Bill says. "I thought about my sister, going through that."

Like Bill, Doak and the staff knew Sky didn't mean to hurt anyone. "I have no tolerance and no sympathy for people who murder," Doak says. "But there was no intent there."

Every morning, Doak went into work praying that someone had found a better place for Sky.
v "Everybody searched," says De Caris, Sky's lawyer. "The prosecutor's office, the county MRDD board. I used my local contacts, I did Internet searches, I called directors of facilities."

The search kept turning up empty. Because of the severity of the crime, they needed to find a locked unit in a facility for the developmentally disabled. "There were different places they would find, and it would look good, and then it would turn out they didn't have a lockdown. We're talking two or three beds in the entire state," Doak says.

Finally they found Northwest Ohio Developmental Center in Toledo, one of 10 facilities run by the state. On April 1, the Portage County Board of Developmental Disabilities sent a bus to the jail. The jail staff stood outside to say goodbye to Sky, some with tears in their eyes. Sky, giddy to be outside and going on a trip, rode happily with his Uncle Bill all the way to Toledo.

Finding a place for all the Skys

The two-month search for a place for Sky mirrored what many parents nationwide face as their severely autistic children become adults. Federally mandated educational services covered by public funding end at age 22.

"All of a sudden, the kids are growing up and the parents are saying, 'Now what do we do?'" says Rainbow Autism Center's Wiznitzer.

"Because autism is a spectrum, there's going to need to be a wide range of options for adult living," says Susan Ratner, assistant director for special projects at Bellefaire JCB in Shaker Heights, which is in the early stages of developing a small adult-residential facility.

When the Bellefaire staff looked for models around the country, however, they could not find many. "What has clearly come out is that there are big gaps in adult services," Ratner says.

The search process is even more complex and sensitive when violence is involved.

In 2001, the Autism Society of America sounded the alarm on what it called a national crisis: a critical shortage of services and facilities for adults with autism. In 2007, when not much had changed, it updated its call for action. Parts of the ASA's report read like an account of Trudy and Sky's lives.

"In a behavioral, out-of-control crisis, individuals with autism can be scary," it says. "Parents are desperate. Aging caretakers (often single mothers, often living alone with their middle-aged child), knowing how difficult it is to adequately care for an adult with autism, are often prisoners in their own homes."

De Caris came to the same conclusion. "This is more common than I ever imagined," he says. "The facilities are just not out there - not at the level that's going to be needed. What's going to happen to all these children as they get older, and their parents who are their primary caregivers disappear? Even at facilities that do exist, the cost is outrageous. If you're making a typical salary, how do you afford that?"

Trudy had known she could not care for Sky forever. She had planned to keep him in school as a full-time student as long as she could, so that her health insurance would cover him. But she wanted to retire within a few years and started to look for a place for Sky. It became clear how difficult that would be.

The only facility Trudy liked was a private one in Charlottesville, Va., near her sister and nieces. It charged an entry fee of almost $58,000, in addition to about $3,000 a month. That was one problem, but another was bigger, she told Bill: Sky's anger had to be under control before they would take him.

In the meantime, Trudy had also been planning for Sky's life beyond school. A caseworker with the Portage County Board of Developmental Disabilities had told her Sky could do well at their sheltered workshop, Portage Industries, perhaps doing the custodial work he enjoyed. They planned to ease Sky into it with a slow, three-year transition from school.

Trudy did not ask for help with finding Sky a residential placement, however.

The caseworker, George Paroz, says Medicaid and the county offer financial assistance for both in-home help and residential placement. These programs have waiting lists, some of them long, but if safety becomes an issue, families are moved to the top for an emergency placement.

"If she had said, 'He can't live here anymore, he's a danger to me,' that would have been an emergency placement," Paroz says. "And if it needs to be done, it gets done, and we find the money."

But Trudy had never said it. "Trudy was of the belief that she could handle him best," Paroz says.

The judge decides

Two psychologists reported to the court that Sky was not competent to stand trial and would never be restored to that level of competence. Both confirmed that Sky was autistic, and added a new diagnosis, that he was mentally retarded.

"Trudy would never have accepted that Sky was retarded," Bill says. "Eighty percent of the time, when he's in a good mood, the kid is very smart."

On Sept. 14, after listening to evidence that included a DNA match of Trudy's blood to the blood found on Sky's feet, Portage County Common Pleas Judge John Enlow ruled that Sky murdered his mother.

But, since Sky was not competent for trial, Enlow dismissed the charges and ordered him to remain at the Northwest Ohio Developmental Center. The commitment was, in essence, a life sentence, because it is unlikely the court will ever release him.

Medicaid pays $460 a day to shelter him at Northwest, a campus with spacious lawns, outdoor play equipment and nine cottages that can accommodate 162 residents. Sky occupies the one locked facility, sometimes sharing it with other residents. He has two aides on duty at all times. He continues to have violent episodes.

He also has occasional visitors. His father says he has visited several times. His cousins and aunt have been to see him. His uncle, Bill, has visited several times, bringing him his favorite McDonald's foods. When the judge allowed Sky outside the cottage, Bill began taking him for walks in the gym on campus.

The visits do n't last long. Bill usually watches Sky play his "Price Is Right" game. "He'll acknowledge you, he might like the chicken and fries," Bill says. "But there really is no communication."

Sometimes, Bill wonders if Sky knows what happened to his mom, or understands why she is no longer part of his life. The aides tell Bill that Sky has said, "Momma dead," several times, but no one knows where he heard those words.

Scott believes Sky understands what happened. On three visits, he says, Sky has said, "Don't hit Momma," or "Sky sorry hit Momma," each time in response to Scott's questions about his new rooms.

"And he's almost crying as he says these things," Scott says.

Scott is not sure Sky understands death, however. "The closest he came was when the family dog died," Scott says. "His summation of it was, well, she was with her puppies. I have no idea why he thought the puppies were synonymous with heaven, but he did, and there was an air of finality in the way he made that pronouncement."

On one visit, Sky said to Scott, "Want Momma." "And of course I told him, 'Momma loves you very much.'"
gravestone.jpgLisa DeJong, The Plain DealerTrudy Steuernagel's family buried her ashes in a plot overlooking the Cuyahoga River at Kents Standing Rock Cemetery. They left a place for Sky to join her one day.

A final resting place

Bill Steuernagel still has the letter Trudy wrote and locked in her safe. At first, Trudy's family decided not to reveal to outsiders what it said. One of Sky's lawyers told them it might give autism a black eye. Another said it might make Trudy look bad.

Recently, the family reconsidered. "I know my sister well enough that this just didn't come out of nowhere," Bill says. "She meant for it to be read."

So Bill read it aloud, stumbling as he focused through tears on his sister's words.

"To whom it may concern:

"If this letter has been opened and is being read, it is because I have been seriously injured or killed by my son, Sky Walker. I love Sky with my whole heart and soul and do not believe he has intentionally injured me. I have tried my best to get help for him and to end the pattern of violence that has developed in this home. I believe my best has not been good enough. That is my fault, not Sky's. Numerous people know about the violence and many have witnessed it. We have all failed Sky. I do not want him to be punished for actions for which he is not responsible.

"Trudy Steuernagel."

Bill and his family buried Trudy's ashes at Standing Rock Cemetery in Kent, in a plot overlooking the Cuyahoga River. Her headstone, carved to look like an open book with a dove hovering above, carries her inscription on the left-hand page: "Momma / Gertrude 'Trudy' Steuernagel / Aug. 25, 1948 / Feb. 6, 2009."

The facing page reads: "Son / Sky A. Walker / Nov. 15, 1990," with a blank space left for the time he joins her.

May 18, 2009

Ashley's Day

One year ago today we lost Ashley.

Her mother Michele has asked that we honor her memory today by doing the things that Ashley loved best.

In Loving Memory - Ashley Brock
Thursday, May 14, 2009



As most of you are aware, I have been struggling for the past year with the death of my sweet daughter, Ashley. With the first anniversary of her death rapidly approaching on May 18th, I have been frantically searching for the most meaningful way to commemorate the occasion. Initially, the plan was to go to Maine because this is where I feel closest to her and where Ashley developed her skills and captivating personality. Unfortunately, circumstances did not cooperate. So, I was faced with the challenge of developing an alternative plan. Did I just give up and try to disappear and pretend the day didn’t exist? No, that would be disgracing her honor and everything she stood for. What could possibly be extraordinary enough to capture her essence? Initially, every suggestion seemed so trivial. So, I embarked on a journey that led me down memory lane to develop a plan to “celebrate” Ashley. Then, I realized the answer really was very simple.

Ashley taught me to enjoy the simple pleasures in life. She was passionate about so many things and truly lived each and every moment to the fullest, without any regard for others’ opinions. Therefore, the best way for me to survive May 18th was to embrace everything that Ashley was enthusiastic about and perform them with her zest for life. It would mean a lot to us, if you would do the same. For one day, put the house work, the TV and the daily distractions aside and spend time with your kids, nieces, nephews, students, neighbors and other family/community members doing the things that Ashley enjoyed. Get back to what is truly important and what’s right in our world – the children, our future.

You will have quite an extensive list of activities to choose from, as Ashley’s passions were many. She was a very active child who loved the outdoors, particularly the beach or the park. Ashley loved bike riding, basketball, bubbles, swinging, painting, reading and singing. Her favorite color was red and you often saw her wearing a fire helmet and carrying cards. She loved Baby Einstein, Mozart, tickles, dictionaries, umbrellas, dogs, balls, trains, red wagons, and balloons! Her favorite outings were to the zoo, water park, circus, aquarium and fire station. Take advantage of this day to do something that Ashley would have enjoyed and to remember all that is still good in the world.

According to Alexis, we are going to have a full agenda of going to the indoor water park and zoo, blowing bubbles, bike riding, singing “You Are My Sunshine” and releasing red balloons with our personal messages of how Ashley has improved our life. I am not sure that I am truly up for all the festivities, but I am determined to provide Alexis with stability and positive memories of her loving sister of whom she misses immensely. Please feel free to share anything special you do in Ashley’s honor. It does my heart good to know that she is remembered and valued for the truly unique individual that she was.

I would like to thank those of you who have stood by my family in this most difficult time in spite of our erratic behavior. Words cannot adequately convey the range of emotions that we have experienced – anger, despair, disbelief, depression and so forth. I know that it is often difficult to know what to say or do to support us and unfortunately, there is no perfect answer. Frankly, when it comes to grief it is often easier to indicate what NOT to do or say. Well intentioned people often feel like they need to say SOMETHING, when perhaps a hug is the best approach. Over the past year, I developed a list of “What Not To Do”. It was meant to be therapeutic, so don’t over analyze. Hopefully, it will put everyone at ease and let them know the best way to approach grieving parents.

1) Don’t avoid talking about Ashley. Sure I may get sad sometimes, but it makes me feel good that people remember her and how special she really was. I NEED to feel like she had a purpose and that my family is not the only people that miss her.
2) Don’t assume my life is easier now. This was perhaps the most shocking and infuriating thing that occurred after her death. I actually received letters inferring that I would now get some much needed rest and peace. While my life with Ashley was challenging because of her disability, I can tell you that life without her is far more empty and less meaningful. She brought laughter, purpose and unconditional love to my life.
3) Please do not indicate that she is now in a better place. While people’s intentions may be good, by doing this, they diminish everything we sacrificed to make her life the best it could possibly be. I will always be so proud of how hard she worked to learn even the simplest of tasks that both you and I take for granted. While I can only hope that heaven is as magnificent as described, I know that our home was a much better place because she was in it.
4) Don’t tell us that time heals all wounds or that things will get better in time. How can life be BETTER when I no longer have my daughter? It defies the natural order to life. Parents are not supposed to bury their children. This is a situation that cannot be fixed. We are forever altered as individuals and as a family. However, we are frantically searching for “our new normal” because life as we knew it will never be the same. I realize that this makes many individuals uncomfortable, but that is not the intent. It is simply a fact. While the “old Michele” may have disappeared, the goal is for a “new Michele” to eventually emerge with a resilience that will help Alexis realize her full potential.
5) Don’t avoid us or not invite us to activities because you assume we won’t be up for it. If you are uncomfortable or don’t know what to say or do, it is certainly understandable. You also may be correct that we either can’t or are not interested in going out; however, inviting us let’s us know that you are thinking of us and will be there for us when we emerge from our fog. Sometimes the very best support for someone who is grief stricken is simply letting them know you are thinking about them and that you care or an act of kindness. Keep it simple. More is less, so to speak.

I yearn to be able to turn back time. I have replayed the tragic day in my head more times than I can count. The what ifs are endless. I prayed to God to let it be me and not my sweet, innocent child. Obviously, that was not the plan. As I struggle to find new meaning in life, I know I do not say or show it often enough, but your support is valued and crucial to my survival. On this day, I swear to you that I WILL find a way to make Ashley’s death not be in vain and to prevent similar tragedies from occurring. If we can spare even one family from having to endure the pain we have suffered, then we may find some solace.

I beg of you to learn from all that Ashley had to teach us:
• Be tolerant and compassionate to those that are different by attempting to see the world through their eyes, for they are wise beyond their years.
• Live life with no regrets by seizing every opportunity to enjoy even the simplest of things and by following your passions.
• Focus on the present and the activity at hand instead of being consumed by the future and outside distractions.
• Love unconditionally and don’t be afraid to let others know how you feel.
• Finally and perhaps most importantly, as you are faced with challenges, remember, if there is a will, there is a way.

Rest in peace, my sweet Ashley. You have made me a better person and for that I am eternally grateful. I love you - Mommy

May 19, 2008

Ashley Brock 2002-2008



Today is a day full of grief in our home, in our small town and in our biomed community. Ashley Brock, one of our own and one of Chandler’s classmates, passed away last night.

It is the story we read practically every month. An autistic child gets away from their family, drawn to the water that they love so much, and drowns.

Barry and Michele Brock invited over three friends to cook out on the back porch yesterday. The adults grilled while Ashley, her typical twin sister Alexis and two other children played in the grass.

And then came that moment that we have all experienced too many times.

“Where’s Ashley?”

Everyone scattered around the house calling her name, and immediately they looked over the fence at the neighbor’s back yard. Because the neighbors had filled up their pool the day before and Ashley had seen their children swimming.

And Ashley loved the water.

But when they looked, they didn’t see her and fanned out into the woods behind the house and into the street. A few more neighbors came out of their houses when they heard her name being called to help look for her.

That is when another neighbor checked the pool again... from another angle. He saw Ashley was at the bottom and dove in to pull her out.

Her mother performed CPR on her and a doctor who lived in the neighborhood was quickly called, the paramedics worked on her and the hospital staff continued to work on her for almost an hour and a half.

And they thought they were getting her back… but they didn’t.

Michele and Barry are devastated, and we are heart broken.

It is very hard for me to really believe that Ashley is gone. She was a child full of life and energy. She was always doing. Riding her bike or scooter or swinging. And not just any swing. Last week when the family was going to see their friends across the street, Ashley dug through the garage and brought her own swing over to use at their house.

She was a strong spirit. What she wanted, she wanted, and if you wanted to keep something from her, she made you work to keep it from her. Once Michele had begun teacher her ‘first_____, then _____’, Ashley turned it around on her and began to use it as a negotiating tactic.

“Ashley, time for supper.”

“Mommy, first supper, then cookie, then bike, ok”.

And if she thought you were mad at her, she would ask you for tickles. The girl was smart.

She knew all three names of every major composer. Her favorite was “Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart” and would sometimes play his music at 3 AM for everyone in the house to enjoy.



She loved books (wouldn't get on the school bus without one), and dogs, and did great animal impressions and carried her flashcards everywhere. And she loved bubbles and she loved to paint and she loved red and she loved stacking things.

And she was great at basketball. They bought her a full sized basketball hoop and she owned it.

And Ashley was loved.

Her parents changed their whole world around for her, giving up jobs and friends and family to come to a place that would be good for her. Barry was a loving, care giver dad and Michele was an autism mom like few others. Her advocacy for autistic child puts mine to shame, challenging school system bureaucrats head on when they weren’t working in interests of her child, but in the interests of their bottom line; searching out the doctors that could heal her child; and letting nothing get in her way.

And what she did for Ashley’s health… let’s just say I could only follow about two thirds of what Michele was saying when she talked about her daughter’s complicated medical picture. Again… her knowledge showed me how much more I had to learn.

And the Brock’s home security is much better than our own. Ashley was an escape artist who climbed out her second story window on the first day they moved into their house. So her windows didn’t open after that.

Which is why Ashley’s death doesn’t just grieve me, it scares me. The Brocks were so much more on top of things that Scott and I are, so if they can loose Ashley in just five minutes when she was only 50 feet away from them…. well…

Last fall I was sitting at my desk paying bills and Scott was upstairs in his office working when the police came to our door with Chandler who had been found three blocks away by a Verizon employee driving by. While we thought he was in the playroom, he left the house apparently to look for his brother who was at school. We never even knew he was gone.

Chandler knows his name and his phone number and his address, but all the police could get out of him was “Webster”. So we have upped our security, and bought a bracelet and even have a tracking system now.

But Ashley was only 50 feet away from them and they didn’t know she was in trouble.

There is not a family among us that doesn’t know in their bones that this could have been any of us. And still could.

This morning Michele all but begged me to get swimming lessons for Chandler. They had just signed Ashley up for them. Again… to my shame… I have not made this a priority, but I will correct that. She is urging us all to make it a priority for our children.

A small correction to what has been in the local coverage. It was reported that the police are investigating Ashley’s death. That does not seem to be accurate.

Last night the police were very respectful and kind to the Brocks and when they left the home they said that they had everything they needed, so even if there is still any formal inquiry going on, or paper work ‘open’, it is probably a formality.

The Brocks are getting good support from their friends and family, and from the community, and many people are asking what they can do to help. But they don’t really know yet. They are still reeling right now.

Michele did say that if any one would like to do something that she would like it if they would make a donation to the National Autism Association’s Helping Hands program that pays for biomedical treatment for struggling families, or to 4 Paws for Ability, who trains autism service dogs for our kids and never turns down a request from an autism family.

For those of you who were on the lists with Michele, she has signed off of all of them. I am sure you could imagine how painful it would be to see those emails coming in. If you want to leave messages for her and Barry here, please feel free.



UPDATE: The Ashley Brock Memorial Fund

A fund has been established to assist the Brock family during this difficult time.

Donations can be made to any Bank of America branch across the country in the name of Ashley Brock Memorial or mailed to
Marina Curtis
5 Balsam Ave
Brunswick, Maine 04011

or via pay pal:














UPDATE: There is a video tribute to Ashley on the Bracket Funeral Home web site.

UPDATE:

Ashley's Obituary with information on funeral services and memorial fund:

Brackett Funeral Home
29 Federal Street
Brunswick, Maine 04011
207 725-5511

Brunswick, ME—Ashley Elaine Brock, age 6, died Sunday, May 18, 2008 as a result of a drowning accident.

Ashley, a daughter of Barry Edward and Michele Sporkman Brock, was born in Lexington, KY on February 7, 2002. She was in Kindergarten at Jordan Acres School in Brunswick, ME.

Ashley was a free spirit in every sense of the word and had an umlimited supply of energy. She enjoyed playing outdoors, the beach, swinging, jump roping, riding her bike or scooter, and shooting basketball on her regulation hoop. She loved bubbles, books, balloons, music, umbrellas, red wagons and painting. She regularly woke her parents in the night with the sounds of reading her dictionary or playing her Mozart cd. Ashley was never without her wildlife flash cards or a favorite book and loved all animals, especially dogs. She was a precious gift from God and the world is a better place because she was in it.

Ashley is survived by her parents, Barry and Michele Brock of Brunswick; her twin sister, Alexis Brock of Brunswick; her grandparents, Glenn and Mabel Brock of Berea, KY, Donald and Elaine Sporkman of West Point, IA; two uncles, Robert Brock and his wife Patricia of Berea, KY, Mike Sporkman and his wife Brenda of West Point, IA; an aunt, Sandra Hammonds of Berea, KY; and several cousins.

Friends and family may visit from 5:30-8 PM on Friday, May 23, 2008 at the Brackett Funeral Home, 29 Federal Street, Brunswick. A Mass of the Angels will be held 10 AM Saturday at St. Charles Borromeo Church, McKeen Street, Brunswick. Memorial contributions can be made to the National Autism Association, Helping Hands Program, 1330 W. Schatz Lane, Nixa, MO 65714, 4 Paws For Ability, Inc. 253 Dayton Ave. Xenia, Ohio 45385, or the Ashley Brock Memorial Fund at the Bank of America.


UPDATE: Yesterday was Ashley's funeral and the outpouring of love for her was beautiful. I want to share three very moving tributes that were given during the service. A letter from her mother:

While we gather here today to mourn the loss of one of our special daughters, Ashley Brock, I would like us to focus on celebrating the truly unique and special individual she was. She would be asking for big hugs or tickles right now if she thought we were upset or crying.

As I struggled to find meaning in this tragedy, it occurred to me that while her time on earth was brief, I believe that she had a purpose. I have been overwhelmed by the support and generosity from the community, our family, friends, neighbors and even total strangers. I have also found comfort in the numerous individuals who have indicated that Ashley may have prevented a tragedy in their home by encouraging them to either enroll their child in swimming lessons or increase security. I believe Ashley would find solace if another family could be spared the pain that we are going through.

Ashley also taught me to be more patient, compassionate, and empathetic and to enjoy the simple pleasures in life. My dear friends, if I have learned one thing in my journey with Ashley it is this – take nothing for granted. Appreciate what you have instead of focusing on what you think you want. Look at what you have right in front of you and cherish it – every smile, every hug and yes, even every trying moment. Practice patience when you think you have none left for harsh words can never be unspoken. Celebrate today versus yearning for tomorrow. Live life with no regrets and seize every opportunity to find all that is good in the world.

Ashley was truly a gift from God. While I feel so honored to have had Ashley in my life for six wonderful, yet challenging, years, I know that I am equally blessed to have her beautiful twin sister, Alexis. Alexis, while at times I may be sad because I miss Ashley, I promise to thank God each and every day because we have you. You too are a gift from God and I am so lucky to be your mommy. Mommy & daddy love you very much.


A poem written by her neighbor:

Fly, Spirit, Fly
To a place where every day is warm and sunny, and every beach is Popham.

Fly, Spirit, Fly
To a place where bouncing balls stretch out as far as the eye can see, and there’s a dog to chase every one.

Fly, Spirit, Fly
To a place where bubbles fill the air, monkey bars replace sidewalks, and there’s a bounce house on every corner.

Fly, Spirit, Fly
To a place where bike rides last forever, and you can run and never tire.

Fly, Spirit, Fly
To a place where words and hugs and kisses come easily.

And back here, when it’s time, and the time will come, although the journey will be difficult,

When it’s time to begin replacing sorrow with peace,

Aching with comfort,

And emptiness with fond memories,

We will understand that the flight is not
away
from us,
But instead is over us and around us,
Embracing us and whispering in our ears

“Thank you for everything.

All these things that bring me joy I know because of you.

This place is just like home.”

- Dave Aust


The eulogy given by her speech therapist Cathy Burgess:

Good Morning.

I am Miss Cathy, one of Ashley’s many speech therapists. When Michelle and Barry asked me to speak today, I knew immediately, that if there was ever a moment in time when I wanted to be present, it would be here, right now, in this moment. I am not exactly sure why, except to say that in all my years as a speech therapist, if there was ever a moment in time to give a voice to one of my precious children it is now.

For more than two and a half years Ashley would grace my doorstep promptly at 4:00 on Wednesday afternoon. She was a charmer. With those magnificent dark brown eyes, engaging cheshire grin, and an incredibly inquisitive mind, she stole my heart immediately and melted it into a million little pieces.

Teaching her to talk and communicate effectively was my charge, and as a seasoned therapist I was confident that I could meet that challenge. So with my agenda and materials in hand we would set off for the therapy room where I would begin my lesson. With a secure and authoritative voice I would tell her what the plans were for the day. Well, I think that if there was ever anything that could make Ashley laugh, it would be when you told her YOUR plans. She would look at me as if to say, “girl, its time for you to eat some humble pie.”

I learned quickly that I was not there to teach her, but rather she was there to teach me. And while she could not always say it in words, her message was clear…She didn’t just ask, she demanded, that I Listen, Watch and Learn.

Her first request was always the same. “I want pink and white ball please.” Mind you, it was not the blue and yellow one, or the red and yellow one, but the pink and white one…and God help me if I couldn’t find it. She would place it in a simple maze and watch with delight as it traversed down its winding path. Doing something once however, was never enough. While I might have interpreted this simple game as repetitive and monotonous, she found it fascinating and delightful. So I watched and I learned, and found myself becoming a master at how to find a zillion ways to teach a multitude of a skills with just one simple pink and white ball.

Next, came one of her passions. And there were many. She loved music and singing. Whether it was chanting songs that she had learned at school or playing her little piano, music was part of her captivating spirit. She made it clear though, that there were no rules about singing or playing music. As a matter of fact, it was obvious to her that one should sing absolutely everything and anything any time of the day or night. And as Michelle and Barry will attest to, the more Mozart you put in your life between the hours of 3 and 5 am, the more delightful your day will be, that is if you remember to play the same song 87 times at full volume. Who needs sleep? Mom always said that sleep was over rated anyway.

Colors intrigued her and when she learned what painting was all about, she would set out to create masterpieces. And, as any great artist knows, there are a multitude of canvases from which to choose from that can display your inner most creativity. There are one’s hands, one’s shirt, one’s pant’s, ones’ belly……

Her fascination for letters, words and the alphabet opened up the world of reading to her by the time she was three. Words helped her to say and practice all the wondrous things she saw in her world. Her language blossomed. Each week, brought new and exciting ways for me to understand and reach her. Looking back I recognize how tolerant she was of my stupidity. It was really as simple as knowing your ABCs.


A is for Ashley, athletics and activity.

B is for Bubbles, Books, Baby Einstein, Bikes, and Basketball.

C is for cards, cards, and more cards.

Yes, cards. She loved them. She had cards for every category of life. She carried them everywhere and recited them faithfully. There were cards for animals, toys, foods, and clothing. We had cards for letters, numbers, shapes, verbs and adjectives. Well, I thought, at least I got the cards right. But she told me this week loud and clear that there was one category of cards I failed to give her. I didn’t think to make Ashley her “I love you” cards. So I will do it now.

The first card would say on the front,

“I love you Mom and Dad”

And on the back,
Thank you for your abundant love, commitment, patience and dedication to ensuring that my days with you were the best that any child could wish for. I am so very lucky to have two parents who demonstrated their incredible courage, strength, persistence and unconditional love every day.

“I love you Lexi”
Thank you for being the beautiful, kind and loving sister that you are. Thank you for your hugs, your guidance and for being my teacher and my friend.

“I love You Grandma and Grandpa, nanny and papaw, and all my wonderful aunts and uncles and cousins.”
Thank you for accepting me for who I am and embracing my challenges with love and support. Thank you for being there for me and for helping mom and dad through many challenging times.

“I love you special neighbors and friends”
Thank you for playing with me, accepting me into your lives, and for providing comfort, protection, support, laughter and friendship to our whole family.

“I Love you all, my wonderful teachers”
Thank you for filling my days at Merrymeeting, The Bath Y, Jordan Acres and Longfellow with fun, excitement and learning. Your dedication and commitment to me was incomparable. Thank you for cherishing me, recognizing my gifts, and believing in my potential.

Knowing Ashley, I am sure, that she would add more cards to the stack every week. I am also sure that as I continue to work with children in the years to come, they will all have I Love You cards.

Yes, Ashley had many glorious gifts, but like most children she had her challenges too. Did I mention that she also had Autism? While I refuse to define any child by the parameters of a disability, I am haunted by the fact that like Ashley, too many children in our community, state, nation and world are afflicted with a disorder that in my mind is as senseless and tragic as Ashley’s passing. Autism is a disorder that now affects 1 in every 150 children and there is no cure. For those of you here, who are in the trenches along with me in fighting this insidious disorder we must ensure that Ashley’s voice not be silenced. I implore you to allow this incredible child’s journey to speak through your heart and your voice. Be persistent. We must be vigilant in our efforts to increase autism awareness, educate our communities, and advocate for services so that we can ensure the safety and future of all these children. If we are able to use this tragedy to save just one life, then Ashley’s death will have not been in vain. We can make a difference. We do make a difference, and if there is ever moment when you doubt this for even a second, just repeat it 87 times until the doubt fades away.

I will miss you dear Ashley. While my Wednesdays will no longer be the same, I know for certain that your voice, your gifts, your lessons and your challenges will forever be a part of my life. I know I have many more lessons to learn. But yours are really simple to learn if we just remember what is truly important in our lives.

1. Celebrate the love, the joy and the magic in even the simplest of things.

2. Find your passions and embrace them with each new dawn.

3. Sing with sheer abandonment even if it is a Christmas Carol on a warm spring day and wear your fire hat if you feel like it.

4. Use your voice. Say “no” when you need to, even if it’s not what others want to hear.

5. Remember to Practice saying your “I Love You cards” everyday, even if someone else forgets to say theirs to you.

6. And never, ever forget, that as we journey through this life, no matter what the challenge, remember always


“Where there is a will…
there is a way.”





Rest in Peace, My Sweet Ashley.